LETTER TO MY CHILDREN: A letter of sorrow, love, and hope for the future

 

I was a horrible mother! An intervention was given to me as a Thanksgiving present and this is what happened.  Little steps to better healing through family and communication

I am your mother. I carried each of you in my womb for nine months, went through excruciating pain called labor and delivered each of you into this world naturally. The moment I laid eyes on you I fell in love. I didn’t know how to be a mother. You didn’t come with instructions or a manual of what to do in 12 easy steps. I knew that I wanted to be a good mother but I didn’t know how.  I was not provided that example when I grew up. I don’t believe that was my mom’s fault. She didn’t get those tools handed down to her.

Her parents were alcoholics. She grew up poor. She dropped out of school with a 9th grade education. She married at 15 years of age to a man nine years older than her. Her parents allowed her to. He took her across the country to California. I assume he cheated on her and abused her. She gave birth to my oldest brother and soon moved back  to Cleveland. Her husband had committed a crime and when she gave birth had to provide a false last name for my brother which was eventually changed. Over the years my Mom went through several abusive relationships which yielded three more children.

I share this with you so you might understand some of what has happened over the years. I am to blame for all my mistakes and the hurtful actions that have occurred. I place no blame on anyone else although you may think so. I am proud of the women you have all become. Overcoming obstacles and having great class and respect for your selves. Do not let those qualities ever be taken away from you and pass them down to your children.  I spent years blaming. See, blaming is a part of the disease. They were always against me and that was why I never was able to be successful.  I blamed you for not being good for the reason why I used drugs daily. I used drugs because I have  a disease called addiction. I needed self-pity and an excuse to make it okay. It was never okay to call you names, blame you for my deficiency and I never hated you. I hated me. It was always me. I too, thought the way you did.

This is how I was raised so it must be okay. It wasn’t and never will be okay to do those things to a child like I had done to me and I had done to you

Being beaten,degraded, humiliated and sexually abused daily for eleven years by your father I felt that I truly deserved all that happened to me. I was told I deserved it, that I brought it upon myself. I was a worthless cunt and no man wanted me. I couldn’t figure out why he did then. You know the he in this.  I began to let myself go downhill. I stopped bathing, brushing my teeth, putting clean clothes on, and even brushing my hair. I picked sores on my face, my arms, my legs ,even my breasts to keep him from wanting to touch me but none of it worked. He made my skin crawl and  vomit when I was forced to have sex with him. Just for that sleaze to be a dad to you all. He lived off my hard work. I made sure there was Christmas and birthday presents, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Easter baskets and  visits from the Tooth Fairy. I paid the bills, provided the food, bought school clothes. I did all the work because I loved you. I knew to provide for your needs. I didn’t know how to show affection and love. I felt undeserving of being loved by anyone, including you.  I was told so many times how worthless I was that I was never good enough and that no one ever wanted me. I believed it after so long. NO one would ever love me.

I never knew what love was. I knew what love wasn’t. I would not know love until I could begin to love myself. That took time. It took until I was 50 years of age to begin to know who I was and why I was these ways. Diagnosed properly for the very first time. BORDRLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER,PTSD, SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER AND DEPRESSION. I knew more was wrong with me. I wasn’t bi-polar. I knew that there was some answer out there if I kept searching and seeking help. Unfortunately, I will never be cured of alcoholism and addiction and that I always stand that chance of  relapse and overdose. It took a few more years of intense introspection of myself to begin to see what made me the monster I was and who was responsible for the harm done growing up. It took me until I was 52 years of age to say ENOUGH!!  I refuse to let anyone take control over my life again and live to what their expectations are.  I cut ties with many people even my MOM due to the healing process that was and is still ahead of me. I needed to get strong inside to stand up for myself and speak out against the injustices done towards me.Because I love you I want to begin to heal together. I owe no one any type of explanation for my actions that I needed to take to begin to save my life.

I still struggle daily. This isn’t easy for me. I cry a lot for the things I did to you. I was told the 2nd time I lost you that I needed to search my soul to see if I was the best thing for my children.  I didn’t know if I was going to be sober forever and rather than put you through another relapse and displacement I felt you would be better off if I let you go . A social worker supervisor made me take this path under the guise that we would be allowed to see one another.  I couldn’t do that to you again. Trust had been destroyed and there was no one there to even help me . I had no one in this world who wanted anything to do with me. Men used my good  nature, and willingness to help to their advantage. I never chose some man over you. I chose a better life for you over myself. I cried every holiday I spent alone. Each of your birthdays that passed I would be so sad that I could not pick up the phone and tell you I loved you. I was lied to by the system that was supposed to help us. It didn’t do anything but make you bitter and resentful. They made you feel I didnt want you and that wasn’t the truth.  Once again due to my own actions of searching and wanting love by someone, I used again.  I found my self behind bars and looking hard at a six years prison sentence in Marysville, Women’s Prison. Thank God he gave me a chance. I put days after days together , turned them into years of sobriety. I found someone who cared for me, married him and bought a home for all of us to have a place to live if you all ever needed it.  I did what ever I could to help you. I wanted to be your mom. I was blessed to be a grandma.

Then things went bad and I began to use. The man who I loved cheated on me and that took me over the edge. I felt I had done something to deserve his infidelity. I quit my job as a counselor. I began seeking drugs daily. I needed to be able to function and not be sick for a while. I kept that a secret. Eventually it caught up with me.  I have gotten clean several times but no one believed me so I would say “Fuck it!” I might as well use since I am constantly accused of it. I would find my self having to explain and defend all the things I did and who I talked to  and why.  My marriage was over and no matter how much I  tried to make it  work,  my now ex-husband was verbally and emotionally abusive, which made me feel worse about me. I had disappointed you once again and this time stolen from you and my grand babies. Its hard to forgive yourself when you feel so worthless about yourself.

Then I met the man who I believe God intended me to be with. He began seeing the underlying anger in me and was able to open me up. In the beginning I couldn’t handle it and would go pick at my face, a habit I hadn’t done in so very long. I hate a part of me and had let it sit way down inside for so many decades.  I am less angry but not healed. Therapy helps with this and medication. .  I want to be in your lives for the remainder of my days here. I try so hard to be sober and do good. I need your support too, not your doubt in me. Today, I didn’t run away. Something inside said go talk with them. We are aggressive woman in nature and communication can be very hair-raising to say the least. We all love, fight, anger, and feel passionately about everything whether we show those feelings to the world or not.  I have always loved you. I brought you into this .I have helped raise each of your children and was there when you pushed them into this world.  I am your mom and want to be allowed to be your mom.

Be good to your children. Tell them you love them every day. Build them up, don’t tear them down by name calling or belittling. Don’t do the things I did to you. Be better than me. want better for them.  Keep them safe but let them have wings to fly and grow. Don’t let them be afraid to come to you but also don’t neglect to be there to listen and help them. Love them unconditionally.  That means that you may disprove of the actions but actions aren’t the person. Love the person unconditionally. Don’t make them feel that they are loved only when they act the way others want. Let them be themselves. Influence and support their talents and goals. Be involved in their lives and most importantly thank GOD every night for blessing you with those little arms that hold you tight and look at you as if you are their hero, with adoration in their faces and a sparkle in their eyes.  Don’t let them see you succumb to an addiction or an abuser. Learn from my mistakes. Don’t raise them like you were raised. I hope one day you will really forgive me for all the pain and hurt I have brought to you life and that we will be stronger for our faults and remain a family.   You and your children are a blessing from God who gave me such a huge legacy.

All my love,   mom

 

Mental illness and addiction issues plagued my entire family for generations. Most feel it is inherited, passed from one generation to the next. PLease seek help for family members or for your self if  feel that you have these issues. Treated together, there is to be found success in the recovery of both. Call ADAMS/MH in your local area for facilities and providers near you. The face of mental illness and addiction has changed. It is now the suburban housewife who shoots heroin and prominate social and wealthy family members suffering from mental illness. It is not a shameful illness anymore. Raise awareness and spread the word.

 

 

 

 

I AM A WRITER TODAY I WRITE OF HOPE

“Writing is the only thing that when I do it I don’t feel I should be doing something else.” Gloria Steinem

I am a writer I finally put a claim to that title just recently for I thought I had to be famous, well read and on the best seller’s list at least a dozen times , right there with Stephen King. I learned that I write every day, something is put down on paper by me and they are my words, my experiences and my thoughts. I am a writer. Think back to when you were young and what you said that you wanted to grow up and become. I have always said that I wanted to be a writer, since the age of five years old I believe it was my calling then.  As life would have its way with each individual I took paths that I chose for various reasons and somehow I lost sight of that goal for many years. I never stopped writing. I wrote in journals about my self and things that occurred and events that altered me in many ways that were not good for me.  As we venture along here I will share my stories, some sad, some happy many are tragic and there are times I know that there has been a spirit watching over me for in my life’s happy trails I should not be on this side of the dirt to even write this today. For whoever was assigned to be a guardian angel over me I want to be able to thank you and from now on make your job easy by not pushing it to the edge all the time hoping to fall off but something always catches me. I suffer from several disorders and mental challenges (illness just sounds institutional ). I work on my character defects, as some refer to them as, daily and I am making progress. I am a far way from being cured of anything and I may never be totally of sound mind and body but I have lived life and have done what I wanted to do, always, in some way it was mine, Now I want to share those tales with you as we venture into some sordid and dark places where I would never have dreamt that I would go. Coming from Miss suburban white town, USA, to the depths of hell( as one can only imagine on earth .)Yes, there really is Hell on Earth. I have been there and back. Living on advanced grace, I have been blessed to see many things that I am able to use to help others climb out of those trenches that we dig for  ourselves, putting our hands over our heads as we hunker down to not be blown to shreds by our own choices. To be in those life taking places where we may never come back from was our choice. For some that would be just fine.  I invite you in to my world as I lived it up to today. Tomorrow may not come for me but if it does I will be here to share. I hope that my words reach deep inside your soul and the pain you feel I know all to well.  KnowIng you are not alone and that together we will walk free from bondage of self. Those self- defeating things that we have used to self- destruct .I am a survivor and you are one too. Let’s share what we have and heal.

For those of you who are curious about the life of addiction, mental illness and personality disorders which afflict many and survivors of rape and domestic violence through childhood and beyond. If you never fit in, felt loved ,feared rejection and betrayal from those close to you this is where you can feel a part of.I understand and am here to listen and share. Feel free to comment, contact me, and share a little of your story if you want.  My goal is to help at least one person out there who is in pain and suffering to recover like I have done and am still doing so . Join me on this road and we will laugh, cry ,love and lose together with each story that is told. We heal through helping one another recover. Where we once were hopeless we have found hope with one another.

Take a few minutes  and share a bit of your story with me and let the healing begin.